so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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