when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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