Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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