Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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