they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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