I have demons in me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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