She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
