I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
