The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
whose ass print is on the piano?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
