HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
