how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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