You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
