It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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