cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's blow job season.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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