I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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