I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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