lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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