so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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