You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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