You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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