Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
