I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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