Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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