Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
whose parrot is this?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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