She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
