I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
