I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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