My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
