Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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