I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
