don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
