I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
