Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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