don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
