I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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