Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
