I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize