i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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