i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You're a waste of cheezeits
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i think im in europe. pls send help
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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