I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
