We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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