you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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