flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
