we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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