just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
