I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize