I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
