I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
