So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
