Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
