I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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