you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
