is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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