I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
