I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize