I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
