I hate all girls vehemently.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
