you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
