It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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