and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
