i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
What drink are we having for lunch?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
