I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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