She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
