They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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